till – less formal way of saying until.
It has been quite a while since I haven’t written for myself. Dated today, 29th April 2020, I will try to write something everyday for me. Apparently, my memory is not that strong as of many people. I do realize that I intend to forget more.
As of now, it is okay to put some memories aside and focus on myself more. Some days before I didn’t even feel like I was living anymore. Constantly suffering from anxiety, panic disorder and continuously crying for no valid reason, I just felt like I have hole in my heart. Is it even possible to feel this way? Furthermore, now I’m slowing trying to understand what is happening. I’m starting to fear the failure; fear of lying behind, fear of not been good enough, fear of being judged.
Actually, it is a feeling of being restless, I can feel myself shrinking weaker everyday. I see people around me growing steps and me? I’m just withering. Maybe because usually I’m the victim and I’m so tired of people, making me look like a fool every time. But you know what?, I am also a strong believer of the fact “Time Heals Everything”.
Well, may be it does. I might have lost my very precious time, the only time that I needed to focus on myself – the time I could score good grades, join best universities, start the course I wanted and not die internally. Along with, having good body, saving money, writing my journals, and goes on. Besides, there is one more thing I want to badly complain about, that is ” I have no one to talk to”. I feel like screaming. I completely lost it. It’s done.
Earlier this day, at somewhat 6 pm , I was having second thoughts of this. Bloom! Reality check! “IT’S NEVER TOO LATE….NEVER!”. I went through Dalai Lama quotes, motivated myself and made up my mind. One more time, I flipped my journals and I see myself going somewhere, may be I am going really slow but I am growing. Actually, I utilized my those unused sticky notes and happily set the goals for 2020. This is what I know, ” THE GOAL IS NOT TO BE BETTER THAN THE OTHER INDIVIDUAL, BUT YOUR PREVIOUS SELF”. So, next time if I ever happen to cross the limitation to overthink. I swear to god, there will be no next time.
“Fall in love with the path of deep healing. Fall in love with becoming the best version of yourself but with patience, with compassion and respect your own journey.”
-Arushpin Joon Shrestha. (Thank you)